♥ a day in the life of jobless hanna
Monday, April 15, 2013 ♥12:10
being unemployed is a very depressing thing. lazing at home all day sucks. unless its something you get paid for. that hell yeah, i'll definitely take that job. and i thought lazing around was th best. i guess i thought wrong.
as much as i want to start work as soon as possible, i dread starting over. alright. i swear i'm a walking contradiction. because i'd really want my next job to start right now. but the thought of a brand new place is- overwhelming. starting over in a new environment scares me. the process of adapting, meeting new people, changing my lifestyle and stepping out of my comfort zone. it all seemed like square one. getting comfortable to living a new life will honestly take time. but i really pray hard, i'll get there. well, it does take time to get comfortable, right?
But, on th other hand. Th thought of discovering new things or even exploring the depths of my own capability excites me. How does challenges sound like- intriguing huh? I need those in my life, otherwise, it'd be boring. Everyday i'll look for a goal to achieve by th end of th day, or week or the hour. it depends. if i fail th first, then i know. i'm going to have to try harder th next. the feeling of success of accomplishing that goal, is indescribable. but i love it. Without these, i will never know how much i could stand before i fall. how hard i was until i crumble. i will never know how far i'd go until i start. i will never know th ability, my strengths, my weaknesses, how headstrong i am without challenges and failure.
As much as i would like to sound as optimistic as possible; let's face it. i'll always be hunted with doubts, what ifs and these demons in my head telling me its not worth trying because i'll fail in the end or telling me im never good enough or someone else could do better than me. i'd have to fight strong and much much much more braver. to face these negativity on my own. i'll have to face it, somehow. Sound easy. but it's never something i was able to do. because sometimes, i'll flinch at th thought of fear and surrender before even trying. and i'm not proud of that. not at all. at least i'm still fighting them. and i think right now, that's all that matters right now.
♥ random drabbles
Thursday, April 04, 2013 ♥16:26
that word for word. i found that on tumblr. and whoa. talking about being alone. and before you know it, theres thousands out there who feels th same way i always do about myself.
look, i know how being in love would kind of mend things in your life. if not alot just a little. being in love makes facing the world alot easier. but trust me. some things are not meant to be fixed and it still messes you up as much as it fcked you up before you learn how to love again.
we've been having time offs. i dont see him as much as i do every day and we dont talk as much as we do every single day. well. i'm still trying to cope making through a day without hearing his voice. that is how it's gna be when i start my new job.
having to work at th same place for months has its advantages. we get to see each other every single day, every single second of our every single breathe. but what's bad is we took advantage of that. and look where we are now. barely breathing. i became too reliant on him that i dont remember myself being so independent anymore and honestly, i hate that fact.
today are one of those days where i just sit alone in my room with nothing but my thoughts. alone. and god knows how much i've been thinking. because it get a whole lot easier to breathe when i'm all alone and nobody's next to me being a distraction or judging my every word as i speak. no ones there to care if im messed up or headstrong. because its just me.
my phone wasnt getting any replies from my man. and social network became ghost town to me. then it smack me so hard in th face that i let my guard down and cry. what hit me was the loneliness.
maybe i needed this break with myself otherwise i will never realise how much of my life has change since i allowed someone else other than my girlfriends into my life. and no one knew how complicated things would get when that someone who i invited into my life was a guy.
with my sister away for school, and my parents out for work, my boyfriend busy with work. who else have i got. nadhirah will be there but she has her own set of problems to worry and cry about and i dont need to burden her with another of my insecurities.
i don't need another reason to make me feel alone than i already have. it's so empty without those girls i used to hang around with. why do people make it easier to leave me and to not say a word to me. maybe it was me who pushed them away. so maybe i was th one who made easier for them to leave. like i was holding th door for them smiling as they make their way out of my life. was i like that? if i was then whoa. i must have been one hell of a jerk.
but why not stay for all th reason that make us happy. for all th times that we smile and laugh. th times we made memories. all of us should be happy, right? receiving the happiness that we deserve.
it all brought me to thinking. how messed up this whole situation is. i cnt even gather them all in my arms and pieced them back together one at a time. i just cant.an act of cowardice? let's just say it's me going for things that makes me happy.
if even th closest of my girlfriends could shut themselves from my life to easily, what makes me think that he wouldnt do th same. i might come off as a fool in love. because i choose to believe in the promises he made to me. staying when things gets rough and still coming back when i pushed him away.
this is so confusing.
why cnt it be so damn clear cut? because yeah. you win some you lose some. well then, that alot to lose for me.
every time i thought i pushed him away and he came back th next moment. i thnk god. im so afraid he'll leave and never return because he had enough of my bull shit. i'm so scared to be alone all over again. and he just have to be there to make it look okay all over again. giving me another reason to still smile and look at life a different perspective. he makes me feel so special, so perfect. i cant even bring myself to thinking of losing him. that thought is too scary to come to.
which lead me to conclude
some things are simply meant to be left broken. even if we fixed them back, it will never be the same. it never be perfect again and we'll always be haunted by that mistake whenever we look back to those scars on the broken pieces. despite being fixed, it's still as vulnerable.
how about looking at it from Marilyn Monroe's quote. and
you wonder why Marilyn Monroe was one of my superhero. :D
“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”
